Still putting the P in procrastination

 I sit at my desk ostensibly to do this week’s German homework; meine Hausaufgaben – my home tasks. Focusing on homework, when I eventually start, is mindful and has led to me swanning confidently around Berlin, interacting quasi-fluently with the locals.

I sit at my desk to work and I’m instantly distracted. Through the window my garden courtyard in the sun winks; beckons. But if I go out there I won’t get even halfway through my coffee before I’ll be disturbed by needy weeds and a lawn begging to be mown. At least pulling weeds I’ll be absorbed for the ninety minutes or so before my back requires rest and ibuprofen.

Sit at my desk, side-tracked by Blu-tacked notes and cards.

In front of me, a photo -card hangs on a lanyard. Al W. Athlete. Basketball. Australia. World Masters Games. 2017. My Al W. husband; beautiful human. Lifetimes ago. Tears.

Another card: RAIN. An acronym.

Recognise what is happening. I’m ruminating on Al; what’s befallen him. For no reason other than it was written in this chapter of the book of his life.

Allow the experience. Crying. I cry. I allow myself a few seconds of tears.

Investigate with interest and care. Life sucks. Parkinsons Disease. Lewy Body Dementia. Why wouldn’t I cry? I’m crying for both of us. Al doesn’t. He shrugs. Why him? Why not him? He said that when he got prostate cancer too. Not long after those Masters Games.

Nurture with self-compassion and care. Yeah, yeah. Poor me. It’s okay to cry, but crying doesn’t really work for me. Doesn’t provide any catharsis. I’ve stopped now anyway. I’m regularly astounded by my adeptness at putting one foot in front of the other. And weeding.

Another card: how do you eat an elephant? Bit by bit. This prevents overwhelm in my German language learning.

Another: perfectionism is the mother of procrastination – as is looking up quotations about perfectionism. Rather than writing that novel, memoir or even blog post. Too true.

Up high another card reads: Das ist mir Scheißegal. Quite a coarse German expression which I quite like. Google translates as ‘I don’t give a fuck.’ I think it sounds better in German.

Nietsche is there on another card:  …ce qui ne me tue pas me fortifie. That’s French for what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

Now about that homework.